Mixed Lot

THIS IS AN ADULT POST - If you are an uptight middle-class Liberal Democrat then please leave now. If you are looking to become a valued customer of Barnes Auctioneers then please visit http://www.barnesauctioneers.co.uk/ where I promise we're a little more professional.

I hate those late night conversations that start 'How many people have you slept with?' That's because, whatever the reality, it's important to walk a steady line between truths. On the one hand, too many and you look like a (man)slut, too few and you look like a weedy virgin. The bottom line is that it is good to be experienced but not to the extent that you frighten the shit out of the person you are about to sleep with. I should point out that I haven't had a conversation such as this for many years (being a happily married man) but last week I had to advise someone who had been asked the question by a potential girlfriend.

'Eight' I said.

'Eight?'

'Yes, eight!'

'That's not many!'

'No, but it means you know your way around but are not a tart. How many have you slept with?'

'Thirty'

Now let's do the sexual partner calculation:

1) MAN TELLS MAN X DIVIDE BY THREE

2) MAN TELLS WOMAN X DIVIDE BY TWO

3) WOMAN TELLS MAN X MULTIPLY BY THREE

4) WOMAN TELLS WOMAN X MULTIPLY BY TWO

'So, you've slept with about ten women?'

'Yes'

'Well then - just be honest'

'That doesn't sound like very many'

'I think ten is ok' I said reassuringly (lied).

What has all this got to do with antiques? Not much really, except that it's a mistake to believe everything everyone ever says or writes. Take this blog, for example - it's rooted in real soil but one or two (not all) of the fruits are plastic. Our auction on Wednesday may have been dreadful (it was actually - for many reasons that have now been addressed) but I'm not about to say or write that publicly. What I would actually say is that 'we enjoyed Wednesday's sale and look forward to the next one on 18th May'. See what I mean? When I say 'Barnes Auctioneers goes from strength to strength' what I actually mean is 'Barnes Auctioneers hasn't gone under yet'.

I believe that's it's best to be so outrageous that it must be true (or do I?) An example:

'Here we have LOT 26 - a mixed lot of sheet music. And I can tell you that this sheet music used to be the personal property of John Lennon'.

After all, where does myth and legend come from? Robin Hood was actually a violent criminal. Richard the Lionheart was actually French. And Jesus Christ was a regular shaver (somehow in time that got mistranslated as 'saviour'). We all put our own spin on things. Look at Alisdair Campbell (I'd rather not) who last told the truth in 1977. Look at Donald Trump: businessman, career publicist, and master of misinformation. He says his hair is real and we sort of accept that because we want to believe it to be true (even though it's clearly been shaven from the head of a teenage prostitue in the outskirts of Moscow and shipped out to him at great expense). His claim is so outrageous that we kind of go with it.

Decisons on catalogue descriptions really bring this into focus. Gemma and I looked at a Norfolk Pattern Royal Doulton cup and saucer pre-sale and decided not to put 'A/F' alonside the description even though there was a large (contemporary) crack along one side of the cup. Possibly we did that because one would expect a 150 year old cup to be less than perfect. Another argument is that we did it to deceive. Actually, we did it because we are marketing our lots, not putting them down.

Our Terms & Conditions make it very clear that we expect potential buyers to inspect lots before bidding on them. We all have different opinions. Another example - on Thursday we had a Victorian bracelet. Potential descriptions included:

1) Victorian 18ct gold turquoise & seed pearl bracelet Est 200-300

2) Victorian 18ct rolled gold bracelet Est 80-120

3) Victorian pincbeck bracelet A/F Est 40-60

I judged that it was 'yellow metal' and estimated it accordingly. After the sale, one customer told me that it was gold 'Possibly, but it's not marked' I said 'And one of our jewellery people thinks that it is actually pinchbeck'. Pinchbeck is a yellow metal that was common in the 19th Century, used as a substitute for gold.

I think it's best to, wherever possible, tell the truth and nothing but the truth but there are times when a little bit of marketing spin is good. So I have a Victorian bracelet 'It could be gold' even if it's probably not. I haven't lied.

Two days later, my friend reported back 'Thirty-one!'

'Eleven!'

'Sorry, yes eleven!'

'Back of the net!'

'And she said it was the best she had ever had...'

'Yeah, she probably lied mate...'